The worst kind of procrastination

There are a lot of thoughts that I have swimming in my head this morning, and definitely not enough time to get them all out. My sister is leaving tomorrow and despite the fact that she's been here for 5 days already, it doesn't seem like we've done much. I know that I'm a procrastinator, and I find myself thinking of all the things we can cram into the last hours that she is here. We've done a lot of sitting around, and while that is relaxing, it doesn't seem like the best use of our time. I also find myself in that familiar role of wanting to make sure everyone is happy and I'm concerned that this has been a boring trip for her. I want to make sure she wants to come back! It hasn't been terribly busy so that is good, but have we done a good job of spending quality time together? She and I went out to dinner on Thursday night and that was good...we were having good conversation and when we left the restaraunt, we were going to go to Barnes and Noble, but a wrong turn persuaded us to go home instead and spend some time with Tim and Dad. It didn't seem like we necessarily had great conversation when we got home, so maybe we should have just stayed in Lincoln.

I love my children more than anything, but I realize that their presence rearranges lots of things. I do not regret that in the least, but know that it is challenging, not only to me, but to my family. They love these kids too, but it certainly is a lot more difficult to go out and do something, have a quiet meal, good conversation, etc when they are tired, needy, present. Although I don't want to hurry their growing and I definitely don't want to hurry their desire to be around me, because I know there will be a day when I'm the last one they want to hang out with, I do look forward to Tim and I getting to do things together again...to my mom and I going shopping without having to worry about who needs to eat, sleep, have a diaper changed, who's running away in the store, whose hand needs to be held to cross the parking lot. I also look forward to going out for coffee with my brother and/or sister or to a movie, or dinner or whatever without making arrangements.

On the flip side, I want my sister and my brother to be an important part of my kids' lives, and I worry that because of the distance that may be a challenge as well. They (the kids) adore their aunt and uncle right now...even in a different way than Tim's brother and sister. Maybe it's because Alexis and Cash don't have families of their own, so the kids get their full affection and attention more of the time. Maybe it's because they're younger and more energetic. Maybe it's because they live farther away and when they come, they stay...they have to make the most of their time and they play with the kids.

Will Jakob ever want to confide in his uncle Cash? Will Mattie ever want to be like her aunt Lexi? I hope so. I so wish that the time was greater, the distance was less, the opportunities more frequent. I know that this is not plausible, but of course this doesn't make it any easier to worry less about wheter or not we've spent our time wisely together. The weather wasn't the greatest to allow for us to play outside much. The kids had school, the weekend was busy, and now we reach the end of Alexis's stay and I'm not sure that we've done all that we could have.

NOW...I'm completely emotional, crying as I'm typing this and it is silly. I often wonder why things can't just be easier, and why we can't all want the same things. How do I make sure that in ten years, my kids want to be part of their aunts and uncles lives...their grandparents lives, OUR lives and even each others lives?

I guess we better go do something...make some memories...take advantage of our time. :)

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