Retroblogging...from 2/2007

This particular blog may be cheating, but well worth preserving. This is a letter that I sent a little over a year ago to some friends and family via email and my mom saved it and sent it back to me. I'm sure over the years I've had some fabulously entertaining emails. If my hard drive had not crashed, I'd copy and paste all of them from my sent files. That being said, here is a day from mid-February 2007:

I want to share with you some things that have gone on in my home in the last…well, it seems like months, but more realistically, probably weeks. I also want to offer that this may sound completely crazy and it is…CRAZY in my home right now. You’re receiving this because you’ve heard the chaotic situations that arise in my home, and I have to say that after today, I’ve decided I will not be taking or making any more phone calls or reading or sending anymore emails unless my children are tied up to a chair in front of me and gagged so that no one can hear them. You’re also receiving this because it’s important that you know that I am aware of how nuts our family must seem to you, but I feel compelled to defend our decision to have 6 little monsters and love them each despite the suffering that seems to accompany providing for them! J I do love them, and I’m grateful that I’ve been able to “vent” about them to you, but on the same note, I hope that you will not think or will stop thinking that we are in over our heads…there will be a day when I can pee without my home being turned upside down in those 30 seconds, and hopefully you’ll be able to rejoice with me when that day comes.
This morning (it is 10:00), I have two children at home with me…the two that are the hardest to care for because they are the youngest. I have chased—if you can call it that—an almost 2 year old down the hall after he removed his diaper independently because it was poopy. He climbed up onto my beige bedspread and lay down on his back so I could change him…I’m still looking for the wipes which is what got me in trouble anyway!! I’m sure I’ll find an empty box and a pile of dry wipes somewhere in my house. All is not lost with the beadspread…the poop can be washed out…it’s the mineral oil from yesterday and the three colors of permanent markers that won’t come off, and yes, those marks have appeared in the last week too. I have 2 empty bottles in my bedroom…one was mineral oil for skin, the other lotion. My brand new name brand makeup and special order perfume is emptied onto the bathroom floor and smeared on the walls. You know me well enough to know that those last two things were a complete splurge for my low-maintainence-self too!!!
What was I doing when all this happened? Cleaning up the milk from the breakfast table. Lightening speed in this house!! Oh, and I don’t want to fail to mention that I do have those big ugly doorknob covers on my doors and that they were all shut!! Sooo, while I was cleaning up in the bathroom and took a phone call from a friend to see how I was feeling since I’m a week away from adding to the chaos, my two little monsters climbed up onto the kitchen counter, opened up the locked cupboard door that houses their fluoride. They then proceeded to open three bottles of the medicine and consumed whatever was inside of them. I’m not sure how many there were, because we’ve missed some days of taking it. I was able to tell poison control with some certainty that my 30 pound toddler probably did not consume more than 30 mg. To my relief, he would have had to consume 180 mg to reach toxic levels, but we should likely expect diarrhea, stomach cramps and possibly vomiting. FYI…fluoride binds to calcium, so we’ll be drinking lots of milk today! While I was on the phone with poison control, Mattie pooped her pants, took them off and sat on the toilet to finish and proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs until I finally was off the phone that she needed toilet paper. “Moooommmmmyyyyy, toilet paper please” over and over again, while Benjamin just wanted to be held and cried right into the phone. The woman on the other end probably had a vision of a messy trailer, ratty kids barefoot and half-naked and me with my robe open and cigarette in hand!!! At least Mattie said please!!
So what are they doing now while I am typing this? They’ve retreated to their rooms defeated and in tears after they each got a swat on the butt for returning to the crime scene and trying to get back into that corner cupboard!!
My kitchen cupboards are latch-locked, which apparently is not enough, mainly because last week I had the wonderful aromas of vinegar, coffee, cumin and chilli powder lingering in my kitchen after Ben emptied them onto the floor together! Then the next day, just cumin, and several days following, garlic salt and blue and green food coloring. Is it wrong to spank a 2 year old on a daily basis? He also likes to eat flour and pancake mix. He will continually come back for more, and I think he knows instinctively if the pantry door is ever left ajar. Same with the back door. If it is not closed tightly, I will find open doors and run out to find a two year old without shoes and socks on in the middle of the yard eating snow!! At least it’s not the yellow snow I guess.
Now, I know that I’ve had mischievous toddlers before now, but I must be losing my memory, because I don’t ever remember them being quite like this!! When we go to sell this house, people are really going to wonder why each inside door has deadbolts and each cupboard door has a keyed lock, not to mention why the water valves are all shut off at the source instead of at the sink, why we don’t have furniture, and why the only thing hanging in the closets are straight jackets!!
The sun is shining, and I am reminded that these little people are truly gifts from God…and that God can have such an odd sense of humor sometimes…I hope you’ve gotten a good laugh, haven’t called child-protective services just yet, aren’t judging me as irresponsible or stupid…yes I’ve heard it before…and that you’ll keep our family in your prayers…even if it is just, “Please Lord, fill the Andreasen home with the Holy Spirit”…that encompasses a lot for us!!! I hope some of you will look back on this someday and think…”you must have done something right, they’re all wonderful young adults”. I have no doubt they will be. And I hope that you are empathetic or sympathetic or whatever when I can’t talk long next time on the phone…it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that my sanity fades quickly every time I’m on it!! I will be reading to, holding, coloring with, etc, my lovable monsters. I hope you realize I’m not complaining, just venting…or beginning my novel…or something like that and because you are my friend, I’m sharing with you!! AND…most of all, I hope that you all realize that we have 6 planned children, not accidents, not because we don’t know what causes it, not because we don’t know how to “take care of it”, but because we’re embracing the opportunity, and no matter how “out-of-control” our family seems to be, we also have many days that are very calm, very happy, very proud moments that we wouldn’t trade for anything…and probably at that moment don’t want to take the time to call you or email you about it, because we don’t want to upset a good thing!! J