The Resolution Chronicles--Part 1

What is it about January 1st, that makes us all believe that we can suddenly and magically transform everything in our lives that we don't like?  All things that have been sub-par for the past 11 months are now going to come together just as we would like because we're somehow motivated to use a brand new year as a catalyst for our transformed behavior.  What is it that we just don't get about the definition of the word HABIT?  OK...maybe I should speak soley for myself here, as maybe I am the only one that does this year after year. (?)  Am I??

Every year, I find myself somewhere around December 10th saying, "Self...you and I are going to get organized, lose weight, eat right, get fit, spend less, pray more, collect less, and cross x number of things off my bucket list.  We're going to simplify our life".  Ha!!  Like how I have a conversation with myself??  :)  And then for the next 21 days, as if they are my last days of indulgence ever, I seem to lose all control!  I eat terribly, leave things lying around, procrastinate even more than normal...I basically use the excuse that all things will change when the clock strikes midnight on the 31st, so I better "live it up while I can." 

Maybe this is why I fail miserably...because I look at all of the good habits for which I wish to establish as torturous or something.  It is easy to do something for a week, and then I spend the next 51 weeks resolving that I will do better next year!  LOL!!  Now, I really shouldnt be so hard on myself because I recognize that there are a lot of things that I do well.  There are some things that I do well on occasion and then lapse and then rebound too. 

I am determined to eliminate excuses this year.  That resolution should pretty much cover every single thing I want to accomplish.  I am stepping way outside of my box in an attempt to be successful this year.  I've stated many times before that the purpose of this blog is to create a record of events for my family.  It still is.  I feel like it is important for my children to understand the challenges in my life, and the failures, and certainly the successes.  However...I'm going to completely take advantage of the fact that total strangers might be reading this, and maybe that will keep me honest.  I may indeed be my own biggest obstacle when it comes to being successful in acheiving something that is hard.  I tend to be less than honest with myself and find a way to justify virtually everything.  It's about to get very real.  (This post has been started several times, finally finished and sitting, waiting for me to publish for a few days now...)
There are many things that are on my list, but I am going to introduce the two that are at the top of my list:
1.  Lose weight
2.  Spend less

These two things could seem very straight forward, but I'm afraid they're not.  Let me explain:  Regarding resolution #1:   I am not obese.  I don't eat terribly on a regular basis.  I am not a sloth...I exercise very regularly.  I am healthy.  I love food...fresh, processed, healthy, fattening.  I love cooking, but I love baking even more.  I am not afraid to try something new.  I am an active person.  I am a former athlete, and somewhere inside of me, I am still an athlete...a very competitive one. 

I have "struggled" with my weight for as long as I can remember.  I recall vividly why too.  In junior high home ec class, our teacher instructed us that it was important to chew our food many times so that our bodies would store less of it as fat.  One of the boys at that point told me that I needed to do a better job chewing my food.  It could have been a joke, but I didn't take it that way and from that point on, I decided that my 5 foot 7 inch frame that carried 120 pounds was obviously not attractive.

  I became obsessed with losing weight and did what I knew how to to accomplish that.  I ate less--way less, and I exercised every single chance that I could.  When that wasn't enough, I threw up what little I did eat.  I understand anorexia and bulemia and all the secrets and tricks that go along with them.  I denied every accusation and concern from teachers, coaches and family members for as long as I could, and finally, when I reached 90 pounds, they all saw right through me and interviened.  I responded positively, but I don't think I've ever been satisfied with myself since then when it comes to weight and it is ALWAYS on my mind.  In looking for a picture from jr. high/highschool, I found my diary.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Oh my goodness.  I need to burn it!  Interestingly, in every entry, I recorded my current weight and commented that I needed to lose some!  In hind sight??  I wasn't fat...I just wasn't skinny!  I was healthy.  I want to be again.

Today, I am taken aback every time I walk past a mirror.  I don't feel inside like I look on the outside.  I don't feel overweight or old, but the mirror tells a different story of a "middle-aged" woman who is the normal American- 15-20 pounds overweight.  I don't want to see that and I keep thinking that I won't if I'm looking in the mirror while wearing the jeans that are still waiting for me in my closet. Maybe I'm wrong.  I am not having a mid-life crisis and I do not wish for a different life.  I'm just tired of wanting something and making excuses for not working as hard as I need to achieve it.
I'd love to look like this in these clothes...from Athleta.  That catalog will serve as my inspiration.  I think I'll tape it to the fridge!

I found myself with hot tears streaming down my cheek during Mass recently as I watched Monsignor bless the baby inside the growing belly of a friend of mine, immediately followed by the family that welcomed their newest memeber the day before, and then a friend who toted their beautiful 1 week old, another with her four month old and finally another dear friend who is due a month after I would have been.  I wasn't ready for the emotions...they caught me by surprise.  I think that in my head that day, I sealed the deal that there would be no excuses this time, even if the only way around it is sharing through my blog.  If I am not going to be growing a baby inside of me, there is no reason to hang onto this weight.  I can't hide behind that excuse anymore.  I've accepted the comment that I look good for having seven kids.  That's just a nice way of saying something that isn't quite positive in my mind!  By the end of this, I'm hopeful that I'll lose the extra weight, learn something about myself by writing about it, both or neither.

 
SOOO...I begin 2012 weighing...drum roll...178.5 pounds--10 pounds higher than the day I miscarried in November.  I would realistically like to weigh 160 pounds and ultimately 150, which is a weight that I was never happy with when I was at that weight.  I'm pretty sure I've always wanted to lose 10 pounds!  This is already outside of my box, so the couple of pictures I've posted are my before pictures...besides even if I were to lose 40 pounds, no one is ever going to see me strutting around in a bikini anyway...I want to see the difference with my clothes ON.  :)  My plan for this is to randomly update my weight, challenges along the way, meal plans and recipes.  I'm a week and a half in, but this post is already long enough, so I will post more about both resolutions later. 

Press "publish post" now...GULP...

Comments

Staci said…
I am impressed by your openness and your goals. I will keep you in my prayers. I'm in a different but similar place with my weight and appearance. I'd love to talk with you anytime - maybe over skinny lattes. :) I could go on and on here about my thoughts, but don't want to usurp your blog post. I just want to offer my encouragement. Good luck!
Kristi said…
Thank you for being my beautiful friend!

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