SIGH......

I am tired! Tim has been gone for three days which isn't long, but it is. It is when you figure that in the last five months, we've not had much consistancy as far as him being home. He feels like his schedule has gotten better, and it has. He didn't work many really late nights...he used to work until 3 am at least 3 days a week. He didn't work more than one Sunday...he used to work several weeks straight through S-S. He did come home most of the time before 9 pm, but after dinner and bedtime. He did stay home one Saturday, but made up those hours on Monday and worked every single Saturday from January through April. He did work at home a couple of times, but that was usually followed by longer nights the following days. We did have dinner together at least once a week on average. He didn't travel alot, but he did spend lots of time in airports trying to get to a meeting or conference, so his attempts still took another entire day from his family and added an entire day to his workload. The winter has been long and so has tax season. He is still busy, but it is a different busy now. It is a busy that must be balanced. Now that the April deadline has come and gone, there are 100 projects that need his attention, like a load that had been accumulating on his desk for four months!

I'm thinking that Benjamin really needs his daddy, because he is unreachable by me right now. That child wears me out! Not because he is energetic. I think I could keep up with energetic. He is mischevious, ornry, naughty, sneaky, deceptive, defiant, and deviant! There's more, I just know it, I just can't think of the words right now. I don't even think I can begin to describe his schedule. He does not slow down. If he is sick, he's just crabbier, not slower. He has been peeing everywhere in the last month or so. Our house wreaks of urine. His room, the bathroom, the living room, the laundry room, the family room, down the vents. He pees his pants, pulls his pants down and pees, and even both at the same time! I don't know why or how to stop it. He certainly knows that it is inappropriate. He's gotten punished and ridiculed by everyone in the family. Maybe that doesn't help? He tells me on a daily basis that he hates me, accuses everyone of being mean to him, breaks eggs, stands on furniture, appliances, tools, all-the-while looking at me, waiting to be threatened. He doesn't think anything is fair, will not go to sleep at night or take consistant naps. He refuses to keep the same clothes on during the day unless they are his football shirt and pants which he won't take off unless he pees in them. He takes the laces out of his shoes, cuts anything he can find to shreds, and eats anything that he can find except his dinner. If we play outside, he comes in and eats. If we play downstairs, he comes up and eats. He opens up medicine bottles...the kind with childproof caps, spills pitchers and jugs of beverages on the floor, peels oranges and leaves the peels and spits out the skins if they're too tough. He sneaks popsicles, cookies, chips, and eggs...he loves eggs! They usually end up cracked somewhere in the house. The evidence is not hidden, just dropped wherever he wants to drop it. He screams bloody murder if someone is looking at him wrong, if he doesn't get to watch what he wants on TV or if he feels he has waited too long to be wiped. He is a hypochondriac at the age of three. He begs me to take him to the doctor, to take medicine, to have a humidifier and breathing treatments. He finds tubes and bottles of lotion and empties them, pulls apart jewelry, toys, books...anything that is together. He runs away and thinks it is hilarious...he is not afraid of the consequences. He hates being spanked, but not enough to be good. He climbs on things he shouldn't, takes things that aren't his, continues his mission, whatever it may be even if he is very aggressively encouraged to stop. He splashes all the water from the tub and empties all the shampoo and conditioners into the tub. He sprays cleaners where they don't belong. He won't stay in his room at nap time or at bedtime. If I resort to finally locking his door, he beats on the walls and bangs on the door until he is again reprimanded and then proceeds to cry, "Daddy....dad...daddy...daddy", probably to tell on mommy! He helps himself to many things, but not because it's encouraged. He sneaks outside, leaving the door wide open to ride his bike, or put the Suburban keys in the lawnmower. He empties his dresser drawers in a protest of not being able to wear something that is in the wash, or not wanting to wear red underwear, but he just peed in the blue ones. He finds Sharpie markers and adds a little extra art to many of the walls, he gets tired of his nose running, so he wipes his snot on the couch cushion because he couldn't find a kleenex. He empties boxes of bandaids and actually opens them and sticks them to places throughout the house. He empties boxes of wipes into piles under his bed. He takes bites of several apples, but doesn't eat any of them. He peels stamps from a sheet and posts them on walls throughout the house as well. He unbuckles his seatbelt, and when not yet buckled mulls through all of my things, eats my gum, uses my makeup, drinks the last droplets of pop or coffee from my cup. He kicks his shoes off in the car and then doesn't bring them in the house, but throws a fit if he has to go to the car without them on. He drops things in the toilet after he pees and they must be fished out before flushing. He dumps soap in the sink and rips up toilet paper into the bath water. He freaks out if someone is touching his car seat, his chair, his plate. He sneaks back out to ride his bike, this time in his power ranger costume without underwear on. If the phone rings, he wants to answer it. He does a pretty good job, but he doesn't want to give it up, so another fit erupts. If I'm on the phone, he will race around the house to see how fast he can upset how many things. He pushes his little brother down just so he can pick him up and comfort him at which point Joe wants nothing to do with him, so now I have another crying child. He opens the dryer before the clothes are dry and pulls them all out onto the floor trying to find something to wear even though most of his clothes are on his bedroom floor. Unsuccessful in finding what he wanted, he continues to dump all other baskets of clothes out onto the laundry room floor, so now I don't know what is clean and what isn't. He sneaks to the garage to get food from the refrigerator and leaves the door (fridge door) open until it is discovered hours later. He asks the same questions over an over...not throughout the day, at the same time. "Where are we going?" "Home" "Where are we going?" "Home" "Where are we going?" "Eagle" "I want to go home!" "Where are we going?" Sigh!!! Most of the things he does on his own, but some of them he is just an accomplice to his sister. These aren't just random things that he does either, these are things he did TODAY!! We were only home from 9-3. He is why I can't wait to put everyone to bed! I just need a break from chasing him. The days he doens't take a nap are incredibly long. "I want to go to MOPS", he has been saying every day for a week. He wants to go TODAY, everyday. Well, MOPS is tomorrow, and now he doesn't want to go. I don't know why!! He drank hydrogen peroxide tonight and then complained because his mouth hurt. Geez!!! Why does he even have HO? I know that the other boys were busy, but I still insist they weren't this busy!!! He sucks the wind right out of me. It is days like this that he doesn't really have one part of the day that was good. He was a crab ALL DAY, which translates to crying all day long, and I don't mean simply sulking and whining, I mean throwing a fit. Sometimes he says "Sorry Mommy." Not today. No "I love you", no "I'm sorry", nothing! It is 9:20 and he has finally surrendered. These are definitely days that I don't want to remember but I don't want to forget. I just want his daddy to be home regularly, as I think it is what he needs most right now. I still thank God for him and that he can be energetic rather than laden with a disease that cripples him or worse, but it doesn't make me any less tired!

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